Judgment Day

I have had some time to think about a few things this weekend. One thing I have pondered is why is it so easy for human beings to pass such quick judgments on one another, without knowing the whole story and pass them without guilt. Why are people so quick to judge about every little thing?

I remember quite clearly being pregnant with Joseph and I was as big around as I am tall. Well... not quite... but really darn close. I was going to be a young mother and was the ripe age of 21 or 22 and the first thing people I didn't even know looked for about my person was my left finger for a wedding ring. I found that a rude judgment to be passed so quickly. Big Daddy and I had made the decision to start our family young. Who has any right to decide whether we were right or wrong in our decision or to assume conception was accidental? It is exactly that our decision, was it not?

For the last five or six years Big Daddy and I have been under the microscope to so many people who all pass judgment on our life. We receive comments on our children, how they are raised, what they eat, how they speak, our financial decisions, about our mortgage and student loan decisions, job decisions down to breastfeeding decisions. I think that we as a society have grown to think that it is ok to judge a book by its cover.

For Big Daddy and myself the truth of the matter is that yes we may be in a bit of a hole we have dug ourselves financially right now, but if you look past all of that we are happy. To the point where I can confidently say that Big Daddy and I are happier than we have ever been. Yes, we would like to change things about our lifestyle or spending habits. But does money buy happiness? If I had a bank account full of green would I be happier than I am at this moment? Would Big Daddy and I have the relationship we do with one another? Would we have the relationship we do with our children? In our deepest thoughts, most definitely not.

People don't see or inquire about our happiness or well being, they assume because we are currently living paycheck to paycheck and relying on student loan funds that we are unhappy. Without question or second guess that could not be further from the truth, but yet people can't see or understand that.

It is like passing judgment on someone's choice to breastfeed or not. If you do nurse, you get judged for baring your breasts in public to feed your child. If you bottlefeed you get judged for not doing what is deemed best or healthiest for your baby. People decided these things at glance and don't ask what the experience was like. Some mothers can't breastfeed, some find it a lot more difficult than others, and on the other hand some mothers choose to nurse for extended amounts of time due to their childs health concerns or allergies or simply just choose not to nurse at all. But no one manages to listen to circumstance. If only we could see the insides of people's lives or learn to listen we could understand people's decisions a whole lot better. I have been on more than one occasion told that "I must hate my children" because I chose not to breastfeed. But what these people who decided that about me don't understand is that at the time it was the best choice for our family. If only people could understand the awful effects of severe post partum depression or the pain from nursing a tongue tied baby or the mere desperation of wanting to nurse so the world wouldn't look down on me as a loser or a failure. If everyone only saw Big Daddy sitting beside me holding me up physically and emotionally telling me he would support whatever decision I made. If only people could see the health risks to me and the need for an antibiotic for my health that prevented me from continuing to nurse, they might think twice before judging me. I don't wish an ounce of that on anyone. But the fact of the matter is that I don't hate my children and I am educated on the benefits of nursing but I had to make a choice for us. Quite frankly I don't think it is anyone's business but my own where I choose to stick my nipples.

So now you think here I stand on my soapbox high and mighty speaking of judgments. But I so shamefully admit that I am no better than the rest so kick the pedestal from beneath me. Because essentially I just judged all of those for judging me. It really is a vicious web of judgments and I am sure not all that long ago I was the leader of the pack. I passed snap judgments on everything. Why? Maybe at that time I was unhappy with things in my own life, who knows. But over the last few months, even years perhaps, I have grown wiser... or so I hope. I have learnt the pain of being looked down upon. What I have learnt is that if just one of those people passing judgments decided to take a moment and stand beside me and hold me up I would maybe have been a stronger person and made wiser choices at those trying times. I need to remind myself often that a hand extended in comfort or assistance is much more valuable than a hand with a pointed finger. It really is profound to me and I have a lot to learn, but I think each day I need to somehow remember that. It is a good thing 3M invented post-it's for these things. So if you need to find me at 8am tomorrow there is a good chance I will be in the sticky note aisle at Staples.

This Little Pinky went to the ER

What a roller coster of emotions this weekend! Saturday night started off with a superb party for a friend who is getting married in a few weeks. It was a great stagette with a lot of memories, tears and laughter. Sunday morning I was off to another bridal shower for probably my oldest friend and again much laughter, some emotional tears and good memories.

Joseph and I then spent this afternoon coffee'ing with Gramma and Papa since all of our BBQs were cancelled due to rain. After our chit chat and coffee we headed home. Joseph hops out of the van and I go to shut the door and what do I see but Joseph's hand yet but headed back into the line of fire. I have now slammed his fingers in the van door. YEOWCH. Well after a late afternoon visit to the ER (we thought we might have had some broken fingers) and a lot of tears, a good amount of codiene, a fuzzy new teddy bear from a pretty nurse and 3 stitches later we headed for McDonalds to soothe the soul.

I know that in a week to 10 days the stitches will be out and the gaping wound will be healing and with some TLC and scarzone cream the scar on "pinky" will fade into a memory. But, why is it that the emotional scar of the simple fact that I was the one who slammed his tender little finger in the door and caused him so much pain be raw in my mind and haunt me forever.

When you become a mother I think your mind is so obsessed with pregnancy hormones, thoughts of labour, getting the nursery ready, educating yourself on epidurals and circumcisions that no one tells you that the day you give birth your raw animal instincts seep right out and spew all over your life. No one tells you that you are completely exposed to every element and your childs tear can sear a burn in your heart forever. I guess the preganancy & child rearing books all had limited space and figured that it was more important to have information on layettes, braxton hicks, basics of breastfeeding and when the babies first anything and everything should be that the section on "You will take it all personally" and "It is all your fault" always seemed to hit the cutting room floor. I wonder if a book of all the truths would be a best seller?

Ce la vie. Life goes on... at least we still have pinky in our family. Things could be so much worse. But when it comes to your child the smallest of things all of a sudden seem like the hugest of things. Three little stitches dosen't sound that bad, but as any mother will attest at the moment it is a horrible, life threatening trauma.

I guess today I should simply be thankful that our ER was well stocked with qualified nurses & doctors who had few patients on their load today. I feel for all of those Mothers who have their hearts exposed and are missing their children in New Orleans or lost or have injured children from 9/11 or the Tsunami.

Life today in the grand scheme was simple. But in the regular scheme it was hard. The biggest irony of the day was that this morning Joseph inquired what "feeling guilty" meant.

But through all the haze we had a few laughs about some things. Joseph was pretty buzzed up (to say the least) on the codiene and had some pretty funny comments that I must share. The Doctor finished stitching his finger and said "Ok, Joseph have a look and tell me what you think" Joseph droopily holds up his hand and I think he was more shocked at the blood and swelling and looks up at the Doctor horrified and says loudly "IT'S TERRIBLE!!!" Good thing the Doctor had a sense of humour. We then pack up and are on the way home Joseph says drunkinly to me "Mommy, you know Uncle Paul... he has a big green truck and it has flames painted all over it." I just agreed, I wasn't about to tell him that Uncle Paul drives a mini-van...and it has no flames.

Did you mail me something?

My baby started Kindergarten this past week. What a profound moment. Preschool didn't seem like this at all. Sure I got a little choked up to see him and leave him at Preschool, but at preschool they still baby them. Kindergarten on the other hand is hard core, bring your own school supplies, fend for yourself, no help with crafts, write your own name, do your homework or you fail mania. Ok, well not necessarily THAT bad. But that is what it feels like.
Here are a couple pics of his first day of Kindergarten.....



But in another aspect I feel like I can't wait to get Joseph out the door to school. After this summer I am learning why when mid-august rolls around you here musings from parents speaking to other parents and they all seem to say "I am soooo ready for petey to head back to school". I love my kids being at home with me! I never thought I would be that parent.
Well, slap my ass and call me Mother. I am that parent. *blush* I am more than ready for Joseph to go to school. Why? He is BORED... yes BORED. We are plum out of things to do and we are tired of looking at one another. I try to be super mom and have all these great things to do. But I think I kind of suck at it. Plus, with having a toddler who naps in the afternoon it puts a spin on going out to do things.

Don't get me wrong. We have had a superb summer together and enjoyed a heap of family time, camping, pool parties, going to the park, sleepovers, ice cream at the river, and a trip to the gardiner dam. I must say Joseph is ready for a routine and a challenge.

Personally, I am just ready for routine since I have had my challenge the past few weeks. Big Daddy has been working out of town. It doesn't sound bad does it? Well add to that the kids starting a daycare of sorts, Joseph starting school, and throw in a couple of meetings in there has given me the challenge of becoming a master juggler. Plus, meals and laundry. I must note as well, if you have sent me anything in the mail recently, it probably has been delivered... I just haven't noticed. With Big Daddy being out of town I guess I forgot that he checks the mail. *doh*

Oh well, at least the kids have some clean clothes :)