Bittersweet

Why are the best things in life so bittersweet? It took us approximately 10 months to get pregnant this time around...why did it take about ohhhh 30 seconds of actually being pregnant to remind you the things you dislike about being pregnant. Maybe it is the fact that "they" say you should do a long list of things. Being told you can't do something, just makes you want to do it more.

However, there is a proverbial wall in being pregnant and when you hit it you know. I, have hit it.

It is that "I am huge, fat and sweaty and parts of me ache that I never knew I had." But I am told I just glow. No wonder I glow ~ I am sweaty. Therefore, dont stand too close because I might smell too.

I enjoy that people have care and concern but I get tired of answering the same questions over and over. How are you feeling? How are sleeping? Do you know what your having? I mean think about it, how do you think I am feeling? Not like running a marathon that's for damn sure especially since getting up off of the couch is a feat these days. How are you sleeping? I'd sleep fine if people would quit bringing it up and yes I know what I am having... a baby. Am I bitter about not knowing. Probably.

But, with all that said and having hit the "wall" of raging hormons... or just plain rage I am sure Big Daddy would vouch for. I am feeling a little devestated and sad. Why? Because I am almost 30 weeks along in the average 40 weeks it takes to bake a baby, my gestation with my other two boys was 38 weeks, so essentially I have 8 weeks left. In the midst of my aches, pains and feeling sorry for myself 8 weeks sounds like a really really long time. However, in the grand scheme of my life which I have umm, lets say 60-70 years left God willing, 8 weeks is minimal.

Big Daddy and I have concluded that with this baby our family will be rounded out to completion in our eyes. Our hearts are contented and we are ready to move on to the next phase of parenthood and life. No more having the babies, but raising them and spending our thoughts and time on fully enjoying them. Therefore, these next 8-10 weeks are the last weeks in my life that I will EVER be pregnant. It is a very sad reality for me. I know, I know, I should simply be thankful that I was able to actually get pregnant and carry my babies without great difficulty. It all dosen't make it any easier to close that page of my life.

I am tired and ready for this baby to arrive, but on the other hand I never want this pregnancy to end because I know it is the last I will ever have.
Yup, bittersweet.

I guess with most other life changing events where you open or close a chapter of life there is a celebration of some kind. Even birthdays, each year we celebrate a year past and a year of life to come. There is nothing one can say or do that can change these emotions. Wether Big Daddy and I went on to have 18 more babies or end with this one... the feeling would still be the same.
As completed as our family feels with this baby rounding us out to five it is still sad to close that door.

If I know me, and I think I do, I know that in my post-natal state in 8-10weeks I will have a moment somewhere... I don't know when the storm will rise but for me it will and I just have to know it's coming and deal with it when it arises and hope it passes without doing too much damage to my emotional state. But, I warn you, I will be sad when it does hit.

Until then, I will be sweaty and grumpy but I will try to enjoy the simplific moments that I am having that are creating life and soon to be our newest family member.