A Whole lot of crazy

Wow... I definitely never thought my life could ever get this crazy. I should have listened to all those who say the third is so much more than the first two. Boy, they weren't kidding. Believe me you though when I say at the end of the day when Addie is finally finished her evening "eat" and she is asleep in my lap with milk dribbling out the corner of her mouth and her sweet breath slowly drawing in and breathing out on to me... I could not be more satisfied. Tired, yes. But definitely satisfied.

It has been a simple pleasure in my life to get to know each one of my kids so indepth. It has also been a great pleasure enjoying (or trying to) every moment of Addie's baby-hood and knowing it is my last one. Big Daddy and I are so contented with our family as is... I think I can easily speak for both of us when I say that we look forward to enjoying these babes we now have and being a family rather than making the family. It is fully rounded. And to answer the age long question we get, I think we would both feel just as contentedly "done" if Addie had been another boy. It just is what it is. It hasn't been about the gender it is about circumstance.

But, I must say I have been feeling a bit of failure in one area, and with all my babies I have felt the same failure for various reasons. I feel I fall down in the area of breastfeeding.

Why?

With Joseph it was too painful to feed and I was pumping and bottle feeding. I then became ill and to get better I needed medication that affected my milk and Joseph couldn't have it anymore. I was ok with that and felt justified in giving up.

When Trent came along I persevered through the pain for two weeks and ended up throwing in the towel for many reasons. After doing so I felt enormous guilt and shame, like I hadn't tried hard enough or I was just being a sissy.

So this time I was determined to make it work and went in fully loaded with the knowledge I had from my first two attempts. As well as all kinds of tricks of the trade and tools to get through the rough patches.

Here we are two months in and I am pretty proud to say that we are 100% breastfed. Not all straight from the source, some bottles. But with a wonderful nurse at the hospital, a great visit from a public health nurse, lots of pumping, nipple shields, breastshells, lanolin cream, hot packs, cold compresses and round of antibiotics for mastitis I can confidently say that I am now at the easy part of it all and breastfeeding is going well. I have conquered! But, this time even though I have gotten this far and done so much hard work to get here I have to shamefully admit that it is still something I don't overly enjoy. I feel like a horrible mother. Aren't mothers supposed to love nursing their babies? Don't get me wrong, I love Addie to my very core. But no more so than I loved the boys or connected with them. All the books and sources say that breastfeeding creates a bond. It is true it does, but I had the same bond from skin to skin contact and bottlefeeding the boys.

I am glad I persevered and will continue to do so for awhile yet. And yes, the pain is definitely worth the gain. I feel I am a better, wiser, more educated person and parent for making this a success at least once out of three times. I know for me as I like to help others succeed, the great joy in it all for me will be one day when I can share my experience to help another mother get through her rough patches of breastfeeding.

I guess as humans we find strength from all sources. I was at a point with breastfeeding in the last few weeks where I just didn't think I wanted to do it anymore... just because I wasn't really fond of it. I spoke with a friend and she assured me that it was ok and to do what made me and baby the happiest. That afternoon I turned on Oprah and there was a story on and it had some children in Africa who were malnourished and HIV. It was about these mothers in the USA who were pumping breastmilk, pasturizing it and sending it to these African babies. One of whom was too weak to even cry. Too weak to CRY! How heartwrenching. Here I am whining because "I just don't like it." I felt a little pathetic at that point. Here I have the greatest thing I can give my child, it is free, it is healthy and I am able to. What an eye opening moment for me. So, to keep on keeping on. You can only imagine what I think of every time I feed my baby. As much as I may not "like" breastfeeding, I will continue to do so simply because I can. I guess I feel it is Addie's right.