A little self doubt never killed anyone... or did it?

Self doubt is one of those things that can so easily make you feel like you are about to have a stroke. I loath situations where I am instantly counted on to the Nth degree to perform like never before. I have to ooze confidence in the numbers I produce because if I screw up the fix is more work than the original task. Never mind the fact that I am being hovered over and what I would really like is to crawl under my desk and suck my thumb while dialing my mothers phone number, or at minimal have a moment to myself to work it out and collect my thoughts.

Everyone laughs at Joseph when you give him a few options for something he says he has to think and shuts his eyes, plugs his ears and really does just take a moment to think about it. That is what I feel I need to do in some situations. I need to shut out the world to let my mind do what it needs to. But I hate the pressure of someone watching me. I guess today when put in the limelight about something I had the epiphany that I hate being watched. I have such a complex I hate the simple fact that someone is looking at me or I might screw up or do something wrong and then I will forever be poked fun at about my shortcomings. I would rather produce the final product looking spit shined than people seeing the grunt work or oops' that happen during production.

For me things are like labour and delivery. I just want people to come and enjoy the final outcome... the baby. I don't want an audience while I am in the most el fresco of positions and situations. Who wants to see that??? Big Daddy saw it and that is bad enough. Maybe that is why home-birthing sounds so appealing to me, I could do it all in the privacy of my own home without anyone having to see it. In my sane moments of mind though, I do know that for me the hospital is the safer choice.

Or is this all simply a case of my own self complex taking over. I should not be so soft hearted and learn to not let my ass sweat at every little thing. I try to remember to not sweat the petty things nor to pet the sweaty things. But I let my heart take over and worry to much about what people think. How does one go about not having such a complex about themselves? New wave of thinking there must be some kind of pill or protien shake for a cure all... maybe a book something along the lines of "How to achieve thicker skin". But in the end do I really want thicker skin? Wouldn't that just be weight gain?