You know the feeling

You know how when you do something once accidentally and it creates a tremendous amount of pain and suffering,? So, when you just about do the same thing again you get that flutter in your heart and it starts to race, your brain goes numb, your sweat glands go into overdrive and you can't catch your breath? You know the feeling? I get it every time I close the sliding door on the van... ok well it is starting to subside if I try really hard to not think about it or the kids are at least 2 yards away from the door.

But last week I had a huge recurrence of "that feeling". A number of weeks ago Big Daddy and I found out that we are once again expecting. As elated as we were to see the two pink lines come up on the test (ok, five tests) it still took a lot of admittance to accept the fact that we were once again with child. Why is it that fear can so easily over-ride any feelings of enthusiasm. As the news sunk in we began to believe and fall in love with our fetus. It was a bond that we were both fearful to make. Due to the fact at one time in our lives we had made a bond with a fetus and had that bond lost. Loosing a baby is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in my life. Finding out from an obscure radiologist wasn't that swell either.

In lieu of our history my Dr recommended we have an early ultrasound for maternal peace of mind. I guess however, that what you don't think about before heading into that ultrasound room is "that feeling". All of these emotions arose and I was fearful that once again the doppler would be applied and my insides would show up on the screen and I would once again have an obscure individual in my life inform me that we would in fact not be having the baby we had already fallen head over heals for.

As I laid down on the paper covered table my heart raced, every pore on my body beaded up with sweat, and my mind was filled with great fear that I would have to endure a great heartache... However, my soul was filled with hope and faith that there would be a beautiful little baby squirming around with a heart in perfect beat.

Having gel squished around and the doppler moved in all directions the ultrasound technician started to orientate me on what she was seeing as far as internal organs. It was all I could do not to scream "get on with it woman" and milliseconds later she zooms in on the pregnancy and says so hear is your baby and hear is it's heartbeat... 160, perfect.

At that specific moment I think I heard angles singing. Within seconds I let myself fall completely in love and grasped on to great faith that yes, , in fact all will be well.

Moments later a radiologist came in and told me what beautiful pictures he saw and that everything looked great.... Perfect. It made my heart race for a whole new reason. Our family is expanding and we once again get to welcome a perfect little baby into our lives.

Maternal peace of mind. I think that ultrasounds can give maternal peace of mind, but only for awhile. Because knowing that the baby inside of me is perfect, some ultrasound won't help maternal peace of mind the first day I leave that baby at Kindergarten or he or she misses curfew for the first time. But for the mean time, I will take all the peace of mind I can get. Even if I am more forgetful than ever.

Welcome to our family baby!!!